if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
