Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
