but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
