Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
