if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
