I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize