Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
