I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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