I puked a lego.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
