I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Someone signed my nipple.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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