i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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