Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
