So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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