Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
