i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
