so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
