so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
