You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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