A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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