so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
