I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
