I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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