I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
