I smell stomach acid.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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