There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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