I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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