pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
