How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
