DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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