she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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