I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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