hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
