Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
babies were throwing up all over the place
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize