I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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