I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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