that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
