yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
