what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
