The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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