We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
