Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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