On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
