Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
