i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
