I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
