Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
