Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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