Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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