Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
