her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize