So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
