she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
