hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
