new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I would ride that face into the sunset
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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