nut hugger
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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