I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
