my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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