my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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