You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
