Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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