i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
