u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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