"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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