you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
